The Four Horsemen

The Sport of Douchebags

Tom — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:23:09 +0000

Here at The Four Horsemen, we are nothing without good horses. I actually watched the Kentucky Derby this year with a small group of friends, and even won our little wagering pool with Big Brown. I had trouble relishing the windfall, though, as the number two horse, Eight Belles, broke both its ankles and was discretely “euthanized” (read shot in the head) behind veterinary trailers on the track. I’ve had my misgivings about horse racing for a long time, but this is was the last straw. If you haven’t seen Eight Belles’ last moments on earth, here you’ll see a beautiful animal hobble to its death, right after it made its douchebag owners big bucks.

I’ve had my misgivings about horse racing for years, but this was the last straw. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is calling for the end of racetrack betting, and I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I am donating all of my ill-gotten Derby gains to the cause. Until we get justice for horses, I am also leading a crusade to start a new sport in which rich douchebags are forced to run around a track with kangaroos on their backs for our amusement until their fat, foie-gras-fed cankles give out. Those who pick the winning douchebag will be given the honor of putting the fat bastard “down” on national TV while his labotomized trophy wife weeps all over her fake breasts. Just take a look at these douchebags and I think you’ll jump right on the bandwagon.

The Few, The Proud, The Freemasons

Tom — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:48:53 +0000

If you like Scientology’s creepy recruitment videos, you’ll love the Freemason’s strange soft sell. Where do I get one of these “petitions”?

Nothing To See Here…Just A Black Hole Machine

Tom — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:53:45 +0000

Scientists at the CERN laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland have built something called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), in which 34 countries are investing. The largest supercollider ever built, its purpose is to recreate the split seconds right after Big Bang and put all debates in particle physics to rest. The one drawback is that it might create a black hole, or rip a hole through 10 dimensions, in so doing. Not to worry…I mean, the scientists must know what they’re doing, right? Well, watch this and judge for yourself:

You can read a New York Times piece on the LHC, with all the multimedia trimmings, by clicking here.

If you want to watch a longer documentary on the LHC, click here.

Could this be a way to coax the tuleric currents out of the earth?

Claustrophobic? Behold Your Nightmare…

Tom — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:54:08 +0000

Ever wonder if that emergency button in the elevator does anything? It sure didn’t for this poor schmuck.

And if anyone knows the deal with those pedestrian buttons that are supposed to change traffic patterns just so you can get a “walk” signal a little faster, let’s hear all about it!

In Memoriam: Danny Federici (1950 – 2008)

Tom — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 14:33:14 +0000

The dogs on E Street are howling at the tragic passing of keyboardist extraordinaire, Danny Federici, who lost a long struggle with melanoma on April 17. Bruce’s own eulogy was short and sweet:

“Danny and I worked together for 40 years – he was the most wonderfully fluid keyboard player and a pure natural musician. I loved him very much…we grew up together.”

Danny will be sorely missed, although his spirit will surely live on, hiding on the backstreets. Here’s a look at Danny’s last performance with the band, playing a song that will never sound the same in concert, “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)”.

And if you aren’t wearing sunblock, or having yourself checked regularly for skin cancer, get wise. For a link to the Danny Federici Melanoma Foundation, click here.

At This Point, Let’s Just Go Thunderdome!

Tom — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:54:37 +0000

This is surely a sign of an empire collapsing. I guess if people believe professional wrestling is real, they may be fooled into believing the same thing about our political system.

George Orwell, Meet Howie Mandel

Tom — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:28:42 +0000

I’m all in favor of treating our fighting men and women with respect, and while I’m all for bringing them home, I fear what they may face when they return. I’m not talking about a shower of homefront hippie spit like in Vietnam, sadly I’m talking about network television producers that will see ratings gold in the exploitation of their harrowing stories. Even the criminal who needlessly put them in harm’s way will seek to drink of their patriotic blood to boost his own sinking ratings. And while he devours your still beating patriotic heart, he’ll talk with his mouth full to read a scripted joke about the the future America can’t afford anymore. Without further ado, here’s George Bush on “Deal or No Deal”.

An Edible Flashlight!

Tom — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:37:47 +0000

Stem cell scientists in Taiwan have finally bred transgenic glow-in-the-dark pigs! It’s about damn time. What future camping trip will be complete without a lantern you can fry up in the pan. For full story, click here.

Does this bus stop at 1600 Penna Ave?

Tom — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 21:36:35 +0000

Since all I do is surf blogs on Obama all day, I think it’s appropriate that my inaugural post to The Four Horsemen combines Obamania and Brucemania. –gp

We’ve been duped.

Tom — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:44:11 +0000

Did you all see this one? Military analysts being spoon-fed scoop by Cheney and company. Read all about it by clicking here.