The Sport of Douchebags

Here at The Four Horsemen, we are nothing without good horses. I actually watched the Kentucky Derby this year with a small group of friends, and even won our little wagering pool with Big Brown. I had trouble relishing the windfall, though, as the number two horse, Eight Belles, broke both its ankles and was discretely “euthanized” (read shot in the head) behind veterinary trailers on the track. I’ve had my misgivings about horse racing for a long time, but this is was the last straw. If you haven’t seen Eight Belles’ last moments on earth, here you’ll see a beautiful animal hobble to its death, right after it made its douchebag owners big bucks.

I’ve had my misgivings about horse racing for years, but this was the last straw.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is calling for the end of racetrack betting, and I couldn’t agree more.  In fact, I am donating all of my ill-gotten Derby gains to the cause. Until we get justice for horses, I am also leading a crusade to start a new sport in which rich douchebags are forced to run around a track with kangaroos on their backs for our amusement until their fat, foie-gras-fed cankles give out. Those who pick the winning douchebag will be given the honor of putting the fat bastard “down” on national TV while his labotomized trophy wife weeps all over her fake breasts. Just take a look at these douchebags and I think you’ll jump right on the bandwagon.

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